Old ‘mares

Everyone remembers what it's like to have a nightmare. The thrashing, the screaming, the hysterical crying for your mommy, only to wake up and realize it was only a dream — and you moved out of your parents house six years ago. Science is only now beginning to study other types of "mares" which are even more distressing in their ability to haunt us during waking hours and last for years at a time…

Lifemare: The feeling of disbelief during an unpleasant period of your life, or "rut." To your horror, you realize that you are not dreaming, and therefore cannot wake up from your own life. Symptoms of Lifemares include denial, irritability, and drastic attempts to radically change one's lifestyle — as demonstrated in the lifemare's spin-off condition, the mid-life crisis.

Workmare: A work-place scenario that plays out in your head at night during a restless, half-conscious state, in which you are neither asleep nor awake. Workmares are often accompanied by a loss of appetite, inability to stop talking about work during social gatherings, and a loss of the "work for money" exchange concept, whereby employment feels more like slavery with off-site living quarters.

Churchmare: Most commonly suffered by children, symptoms of this mare include restlessness, distraction, and disbelief regarding a seemingly never-ending church service that defies the laws of time. Common churchmare coping strategies include staring at others, digging in purses, taking frequent washroom breaks, and threatening God.

Speakmare: A helpless, out of body experience precipitated by an inability to control the impulsive subject matter flowing from your mouth. Common triggers for speakmares include answering machines, elevators, interviews, and first dates.

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