An open letter to Katie Holmes

Dear Katie,

Having never met has forged a wide gulf between us. Yet, despite this distance, I feel compelled to reach out to you and hope you’ll consider my unsolicited advice.

It has come to my attention through the press that you are under a powerful and intoxicating spell that has been affectionately dubbed "Cruise Control." I think this is a very clever play on words and would like to take it one step further by starting up the expression "Going on a Cruise!"

Anyway, since we’re roughly the same age, I think I know why you said that you grew up wanting to marry Tom Cruise. When you and I were kids, Tom was riding high as a heartthrob from movies like Risky Business and Cocktail. The thing is that people and situations change over time. Twenty years ago, dating Tom Cruise would be a really cool thing — back then, he was seen as an over-all nice guy and respected actor. These days, he’s perceived to be more a publicity-hungry, out-of-his-mind, megalomaniac wanker. It’s not just the Scientology or the jumping on couches, it’s the collective effect of everything, which leads to that dark and crazy place where people are more famous for their eccentricities than the talents that made them famous in the first place.

Here on this blog, which you may never find before it is quieted with hush money from Scientologists and has to be taken down, are my humble observations. I hope you will take them into consideration, if not for yourself, than for your unborn (who we all thought was Mission Impossible given the alleged rumours of Tom’s Top Gun).

EDITOR'S NOTE: Cruise and Holmes welcomed a baby girl on Tuesday, April 18. The couple named their child Suri and she weighed seven pounds, seven ounces.

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