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Celebrity blast to the past

“Celebrities. Is there anything they don’t know?”
Homer Simpson

Who hasn’t wished they could travel back in time and give themselves advice that could change the course of their lives? I know I have. But then I remember that I am but a very small cog in the large wheel of life, and since I am not famous, have very little influence over people. So in the interest of the greater good, I would use my hypothetical time-travel powers to deliver a message to 1980s pop stars, who we all know have the power to change the world as we know it…

Pop Star: Milli Vanilli
Circa: 1989 (pre-Grammy win)
Message to Deliver From the Future: Quietly extract yourselves from the music industry. Do this in the middle of the night. Tell no one. When the lip-synching scandal hits, act like nothing has happened. In 15 years, this will be standard in the recording industry. You will be heralded as pioneers.

Pop Star: Whitney Houston
Circa: Mid-1980’s (pre-Bobby Brown)
Message to Deliver From the Future: Call up Nancy Reagan at the White House. Insist on spearheading her “Just Say No to Drugs” campaign. Then sing “The Greatest Love of All” over and over again. Sing it until you mean it.

Pop Star: Lionel Richie
Circa: 1981 (birth year of daughter, Nicole Richie)
Message to Deliver From the Future: Be more vigilant in monitoring your daughter’s playmates and influences. Take her to soup kitchens and homeless shelters. Attempt to instill in her a tiny, traceable, shred of humility. Finally, pick a different godfather for her; one other than…

Pop Star: Michael Jackson
Circa: 1983 (post-Thriller release)
Message to Deliver From the Future: Please see attached 20 pages of advice.

Pop Star: Madonna a.k.a. Madge Circa: 1989 (Blonde Ambition era) Message to Deliver From the Future: Sure, they all think you’re a big slut, now — but do nothing differently. Your mission is an especially critical one in the music industry. You are paving the way for even bigger sluts to come. No one knows the mystic wisdom that lies within. You will be the only one who knows when to hold ’em, knows when to walk away, and knows when to settle down properly with a nice family and a nice cult.

Content Creator
Giselle Melanson Tattrie is a writer and researcher who has worked in TV, film and print. She is currently the features editor for Popjournalism as well as the technical and content editor for Drawspace Publishing. Giselle lives in Nova Scotia with her husband and two children.
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