Celebrity crossfire

A “Celebrity Empath” (Giselle Melanson) and a “Star Sniper” (Iain Gillis) square off on some of today’most controversial public figures.

Michael Jackson

CE MJ has always entertained us. At one time, he even did it intentionally. But now, he blurs the boundaries of race, age, sexuality and sanity. Some people even theorize that the entire Jackson Family is actually an ultra-guerrilla sketch comedy troupe, punking the entire world.

SS Michael Jackson is like a dog that’s gone nuts and should be put down. In fact, it’s cruel of us as a society to let him continue living like this. With each wacky incident and court case, he just keeps scaling new stratospheres of uber-weirdness. What he needs to do is find a quiet place to hide for a few years — and I don’t mean hanging out in Bahrain with billionaire sheiks. I’m talking a full-fledged hermit cabin in the middle of Northern Ontario.

Paris Hilton

CE Okay — I get it. Everyone’s sick of Paris and wishing she would just go away. At the same time, they buy magazines with her on the cover and trash her on the Internet, and thus she becomes more famous. She gets the last laugh.

SS Whether the paparazzi are focused on Paris or not, she is still going to be stinking rich, spending every waking hour flitting from party to party, flashing her naughty bits at anyone within a 50-foot radius. Her “burgeoning” movie and music career notwithstanding, Paris simply does what many other rich socialites do: they socialize.

Kevin Federline

CE It’s ironic that people made fun of K-Fed for leeching off of his wife, and then when he tries to earn a living and support his family, they make fun of him for that too. At the end of the day, K-Fed seems like a nice guy and America’s Most Hated is a catchy song.

SS It’s not ironic that people make fun of K-Fed for being a leech — it’s appropriate. If he hadn’t hit the jackpot with Ms. Spears, then the world would have no clue who Kevin Federline even was (and what a world that would be.) As for his “music” career, K-Fed makes Vanilla Ice look like Ice-T.

Britney Spears

CE Oh. My. God. Would everyone just leave this girl alone.

SS Good idea. Since she basically has no career left to speak of anyway, and is a full-time baby factory for Federline, maybe we really have heard the last of Britney: Queen of the Pop Tarts. Now if only Christina Aguilera and Jessica Simpson could find their own personal K-Feds….

Tom Cruise

CE Despite the couch jumping, the psychiatry-bashing, and the mysterious unseen baby, at least he stops to help stranded motorists.

SS Michael Jackson, make room. The speed and intensity of Tom Cruise’s nosedive from being America’s Most Beloved Actor to America’s Most Batshit Crazy Celebrity is almost frightening. I can only pray to Xenu that somebody sends in a task force to rescue Katie Holmes before she starts trying to move things with her mind.

The Best of Popjournalism
On the record with Wendy Mesley
Media & AdvertisingJan 24, 2004
Meet Jann Arden, best-selling author
Books & PublishingNov 24, 2004
The Lisa Loeb zone
CelebritiesOct 7, 2005
Caged Wild Strawberries?
MusicNov 8, 2000
22 minutes with Mary Walsh
Books & PublishingNov 25, 2004
Leigh Nash flies solo
MusicAug 14, 2006
The Return of Wild Strawberries
MusicSep 10, 2005
Tanner Zipchen brings a bit of the Prairies to Hollywood
Media & AdvertisingMar 21, 2016